Sex and The Masters

Shelly and I have always been close!

Catchy title, huh?

Sell the sizzle, kids, not the steak. Whatever that means.

-----A couple of weeks after Shelly moved in here with Janey, she came into the main house (for lack of a better word) and sat down and smiled at hubby and myself.

"Yes?" said I.

She held up two tickets.

"And those are....?"

She smiled and said, "Tickets to the Masters! Brian (her ex-hubby) can't use them and gave them to me!"

Shelly's a golf nut. Played in junior tournaments and is still pretty good. She and my hubby have gone out golfing more than a few times (insert "hole-in-one" joke here).

"So," I asked, "you're showing them to us for a reason?"

Another smile. "Yeah. Your husband's going to take me. Janey can't go. We leave on Tuesday night. Then on Wednesday there's the par 3 competition, and the first two rounds on Thursday and Friday!"

I turned to hubby. "Were you aware of this?"

"No. Can I go? Pretty please?" he asked, knowing full well that I'd say yes.

"Yeah. Can he go? Pretty please? Pretty pretty please?" she asked, also knowing full well that I'd say yes.

She continued. "Brian already had a hotel room reserved. We just have to pay for that."

So apparently, Shelly's plan was for them to leave Tuesday afternoon next week and then come home on Saturday morning.

Hmmmmmm........

So I sent my husband away for several days with a gorgeous, horny, brunette for what will basically be a golf "fuck-ation". Three days of golf, four nights of sex. Well, of course, the answer was obvious.

"Sure. Have fun!"

"Hon, call Jerry and have him come down for a few days. You haven't gotten together with him for awhile."

And that's why I married my husband. Brilliant idea!

A few days of fucking Jerry would be a nice reward. Babbbbbbyyyyyyy........

Now mind you, I was only doing this to keep my hubby from feeling guilty about abandoning me! That's all!

Anyway, I shot off an email to Jerry and "encouraged" him to come down and check on those previously mentioned business interests. Alas, he couldn't make it. Oh well! With Shelly gone, Janey found herself in some need of company, so I was more than happy to help.

Yeah, our marriage sounds weird, but it's worked pretty well for us for over 18 years. Hey, at least we never have to worry about being cheated on!

-----No votes for Spankey DaMonkey out of Wank State? What's wrong with you people? His right hand and forearm are huge! He's able to squeeze out big plays in clutch moments! When his line is protecting him in that cockpit, he's able to really zero in on his receiver. I don't get it. Spankey is going to be a legit NFL star.

You heard it here first!

Okay, so as far as the votes go, Luck has 3, RG has 1, and Ryan Tannehill has 1. I like the Tannehill vote, though. It goes against the grain. Common wisdom has either--or both--Luck and RG being the studs.

But in a few years, who knows? Tannehill only has 19 starts, but like RG3 and Luck, he has fantastic athleticism (having played wide receiver before taking over at QB his senior year) and a great arm. You never know.

-----And now I trail hubby by 6,000 views. I'm raising the white flag. I can't catch him. I give. This won't stop me from bitching in the future though.

He did offer a good theory as to why he might be so far ahead. He thinks it could be related to the titles of our blogs.

You want sex stuff and you look at two blog titles, "Confessions of a Poacher" and "Modern Lexenomics", which one do you think is going to guarantee you a little of the fun stuff?

Yeah. And guess who thought of the title for hubby's blog? Yeah, me. He wanted to call it "Uncle Ryan's Spanky Shack."

Okay, maybe he didn't.

I also named the Palm Pilot. You know what they say: behind every horny man is an even hornier woman. That's how it goes, right? No?

-----I'm pretty, uh, obvious about my love for Charlie Laine, one of the cutest porn stars in the history, of, well ever. But I found another porn girl to drool over. Faye Reagan!

-----So who should the Rams take? You know, as long as they don't trade up or trade down, I think a stud will fall to them. Morris Claiborne, Justin Blackmon, Malcom Floyd (not a reach--many analysts rank him right up with Blackmon), Matt Kahlil, or even Trent Richardson improve the team by a mile.

Look how Detroit became good. One reason was hitting on top-five picks. Matt Stafford, Ndamukong Suh and Calvin Johson. Sure, they had to hit on later-round picks and make smart free agent signings as well. But drafting well, and hitting on your first-round picks is huge. Detroit did it and I want Les Snead and Jeff Fisher to do just that. Don't draft for need, draft the best guy on the board.

AND DON'T TRADE UP, RAMS!

-----For all the hits Mike Holmgren, Tom Heckert, and Pat Shurmer are taking in Cleveland, I'd advise Browns fans to sit back and relax. The Browns, very quietly, have assembled one of the top defenses in the NFL.

Their defense was ranked 1oth in the league last year. The stats get a little weird here, but they were 30th in the league against the run but 2nd against the pass. One reason that's skewed so much is that teams found they had to run against them. And since the offense struggled so much, the defense wore down against the run. (Stats courtesy of cbssports.com.)

I think Colt McCoy will improve once the right side of the line is settled and some upgrades to the offense are made. I think they'll take Trent Richardson, which will give them a nasty running attack and will help the passing game as Trent can catch coming out of the backfield. And you can grab a quality WR at 22.

And once the offense improves, the run defense will as well. Take heart, Browns fans. Stay the course. It's hard to see now, but I like where your team is heading.

-----I think the Earth was knocked off its axis for a day. My old girlfriend Jilly actually invited her hubby to join her and her girlfriend in the sack. Holy cow. I actually had to reread the email when she sent it. Then I had to read it a couple of more times when she mentioned how watching her hubby stick it to her girlfriend really "turned me on more than I ever thought it could!". Yeah, well Jilly-girl, I could've told you all about that! Apparently, this is going to become a semi-regular deal.

Rock on, Jilly!

-----I love how recently the words "target" and "targeting" have been gaining in popularity by people who write about the draft. You know what "target" really means in the context of a draft?

It means "fixating". When you draft, you're supposed to take the best player for your team that's still on the board. You don't sit there and get a boner over a player and do whatever you can to get him because you "targeted" him. It's a stupid, trendy word that's only used to justify reaching or wasting picks to get a player because you panicked.

I'll tell you this: Ex-Rams GM (thankfully) Billy Devaney no doubt had that fucking word bouncing in his head as he blew draft after draft.

Targeting....unreal.

Enjoy the draft!